06-12-2008, 11:23 AM
For your reading pleasure..........
Dear Diary,
>
>
> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
> purchased a week of personal training at the local health club
> for me.
> Although I am still in great shape since being a
> high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
> be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
> I called the club and made my reservations with a
> personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a
> 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
> and swim wear.
>
> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
> started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
> progress.
>
> MONDAY:
>
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
> but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
> health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek
> god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
> Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
> watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
> workout today. Very inspiring!
>
> Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
> my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he
> was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>
>
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
> out the door.
>
> Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
> bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little
> wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's
> rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! I
> t's a whole new life for me.
>
> WEDNESDAY:
>
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
> toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
> it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
> long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
> the club parking lot.
>
> Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my
> screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky
> for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally
> whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
> so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent
> a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
> Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said
> some other shit too.
>
>
> THURSDAY :
>
> Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
> exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
> couldn't help being half an hour late, it took me that long to tie
> my shoes.
>
> Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was
> not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny
> bitch to find me.
> Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine
> -- which I sank.
>
>
> FRIDAY :
>
> I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever
> hated any other human being in the history of the world.
> Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little #@*. If there was a part of my body
> I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
>
> Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
> any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
> me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a
> sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> teacher.
>
> Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
> drama coach or the choir director?
>
> SATURDAY :
>
> Brad left a message on my answering machine in his
> grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
> Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
> However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
> catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
>
> SUNDAY :
>
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
> today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
> pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a
> gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still
> say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the
> floor with diamonds.
Dear Diary,
>
>
> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
> purchased a week of personal training at the local health club
> for me.
> Although I am still in great shape since being a
> high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
> be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
> I called the club and made my reservations with a
> personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a
> 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
> and swim wear.
>
> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
> started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
> progress.
>
> MONDAY:
>
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
> but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
> health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek
> god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
> Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
> watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
> workout today. Very inspiring!
>
> Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
> my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he
> was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>
>
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
> out the door.
>
> Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
> bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little
> wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's
> rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! I
> t's a whole new life for me.
>
> WEDNESDAY:
>
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
> toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
> it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
> long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
> the club parking lot.
>
> Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my
> screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky
> for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally
> whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
> so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent
> a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
> Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said
> some other shit too.
>
>
> THURSDAY :
>
> Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
> exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
> couldn't help being half an hour late, it took me that long to tie
> my shoes.
>
> Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was
> not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny
> bitch to find me.
> Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine
> -- which I sank.
>
>
> FRIDAY :
>
> I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever
> hated any other human being in the history of the world.
> Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little #@*. If there was a part of my body
> I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
>
> Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
> any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
> me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a
> sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> teacher.
>
> Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
> drama coach or the choir director?
>
> SATURDAY :
>
> Brad left a message on my answering machine in his
> grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
> Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
> However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
> catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
>
> SUNDAY :
>
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
> today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
> pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a
> gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still
> say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the
> floor with diamonds.